We are about to enter the realm of great danger. My personal safety is at risk by writing this. The world over there are legions of Star Wars fans that would gladly suit up in their faux Stormtrooper Armor and pretend blast me into smithereens for suggesting that any Star Wars product, be it film, book, comic, game, or action figure is sub-par. One of the most vehement and earnest believers in the Force, my wife, will likely swat me with a plastic lightsaber. (She has two) But I must press on for the good of the viewing public and make my case for why Return of the Jedi is stupid.
First some background. I grew up with this movie. I remember seeing it in the cinema when it was released way back in 1983. I remember the run up to the release date being a maddening experience as we, the little children of the 80's, debated furiously about the origins of that half-built Death Star that was on all the posters. Was it the original Death Star still in disrepair after the events of the first movie? Was it a new Death Star? Would Luke save the day? Why was his lightsaber green? Is Darth Vader is father? If so, who's his mother? To say the least, we were all jazzed for this movie. And when it finally came out, it made me feel as though I had achieved something just by living to see the saga told in its entirety...or so we thought. My uncle, who passed recently, had all three of the original movies on VHS back in the day when nobody had VHS. When we would visit, my brother and I would watch and rewatch those movies with Jedi in heaviest rotation. It, in our pre-pubescent opinions, was the best one of the three Star Wars films. It had the Sarlaac pit, speeder bikes, a mighty duel with Darth Vader, the evil Emperor shooting lightning from his fingertips and a massive space battle between the rag-tag forces of the Rebellion and the indomitable Star Destroyers of the Galactic Empire. Plus, and bear in mind we were children, it had Ewoks. When you are nine years old Ewoks are cool. So what happened? Simply put: I grew up, saw better movies, and grew to appreciate plot and character development. I guess that wasn't as simply put as it might have been, but it is the truth.
I hope to break down my dislike of this movie into four sections and, if I can keep my head on straight, I'll hold myself to that formula. You may disagree with my findings, but I feel that the problems with the film are so obvious and silly that most adults would have a hard time sitting through it. The four sections are these: 1) Luke's Plan 2) The plot 3) The production values 4) The Rebel Victory. Let's begin.
Luke's plan makes no sense whatsoever. None. Let us deal with the established information we the audience have regarding Jedi Knights. In this case we are dealing with a young man who didn't know he was a Jedi until some crazy dude in the desert told him he was one and then a little green Muppet fed him some sort of stew on a world that looks like the bayou, had him float some rocks around with his mind, berated him for not fully believing in something he had just learned about and then sent him off to kill a half-robot/half-human that might be his own father. Setting all that aside we have the following abilities: Super speed, super reflexes that border on precognition, ability to see possible futures, ability to see across the entire galaxy, swordsmanship, telekinesis, hand to hand combat training, super endurance, and sewing. Luke can, if prompted, fight like a demon with supernatural powers (which would be completely natural for a demon, one would guess) construct his own weapons without instruction, and create a snappy new ensemble to wear into battle. He's got it all. Add to all that the fact that he is also an ace pilot, cool under pressure and, much like his sister, plucky. This is a guy who is going to deliver a master plan the likes of which even Eisenhower has never seen. Not only that, he's going to back it up with Jedi powers and marital arts acumen. But that doesn't happen.
Here is Luke's Plan (as near as I can tell): Step one, send the droids to Jabba the Hutt's palace and have them play a message that explains how the droids are a swap for Han Solo. Essentially he is asking Jabba to take two decades-old, beat-up, robots in exchange for Jabba's most hated enemy. Why wouldn't that work? Moving on. The whole thing is ruse of course. Inside R2D2 is Luke's lightsaber. There it will stay hidden until Luke springs his trap. Here are the things that must happen for Luke's trap to be sprung. Jabba must keep the droids without searching them for weapons, bombs or bugs. He must then take C3PO as his new interpreter droid and send R2D2 to serve on his sail barge. Next, Leia must fail in her attempt to rescue Han and end up as a slave girl. With all this in place, Luke enters the palace by using the force to open the main doors and subdue the guards. Then he "mind-tricks" the majordomo into bringing him before Jabba even though he is literally a few steps away from the gangster's throne room and doesn't really require an introduction since we just saw his hologram only moments before. (In movie time I'm sure several days have passed, but my assumption is that Jabba does not have the memory of a goldfish) Luke does not gain access to his lightsaber at this time. Instead he tries to shoot Jabba in the face with a stolen pistol, ends up fighting a monster without using the force at all and then is taken captive by a group of people that we have established that he can "mind-trick" at will. Now the plan comes into full swing. Jabba must at this point decide to take everyone for a ride on his Sail Barge across the Dune Sea. Once he has the captives in place on separate vehicles in preparation for their untimely demise in the belly of the Sarlaac, he must ask if they want to beg for their lives at which time Luke gives the signal for R2 to launch his hidden lightsaber into the air. Luke must catch the sword on the fly and then start chopping people up. He must then defeat all of Jabba's henchmen single-handedly while his friends save themselves. Then they can all leave together.
Why didn't he just walk into Jabba's palace, gank all the guards, take Han out of there and never look back? He probably could have avoided bloodshed by mind-tricking everybody into not fighting him. Jabba wasn't susceptible to the mind-trick, but that wouldn't matter as Jabba can't really move and isn't a threat by himself. He could shout commands at a room full of befuddled lackeys until he was green in the face only to see Luke stroll out with Han. Barring that, once he popped out a glowing blade made of pure energy, blocked every blaster bolt that came his way and chopped couple of n'ere-do-wells in two; the rest of the rabble would have left him alone. There is no reason at all for Luke, Han, Leia, Chewy, Lando, C3PO or R2D2 to have done any of this. Add to the mix the fact that Luke and Leia are two highly valued members of the Rebellion which is a several-thousand-man-strong organization with its own commando teams. Why send the key players of your army into a stronghold of evil without backup? Isn't there a group of Rebel Alliance Rangers that could infiltrate the palace of the vile Hutt and escape without notice? If you've got Jedi, Sith and Space Slugs you've got to have Space Ninjas. It just stands to reason.
Overall Plot: According to Gary Kurtz, the producer of the first two films in the series, the plot for the third film was radically different than the product that arrived on screens in 1983. It was his opposition to the story changes suggested by George Lucas that precipitated his departure from Lucasfilm. Instead of a bold new entry into the overall Luke Skywalker saga, Lucas wanted to play it safe. And it is no wonder that fans were a little bit jarred by the return to formula that Jedi represented. A New Hope introduced us to the galaxy far far away and took us into the heart of one of the mightiest battles of an epic war. The Empire Strikes Back continued the story with a different style, showed us new worlds and characters, and broke our hearts at the end. In both films the action is driven, in part, by the threat of Jabba the Hutt and his band of inter-galactic bounty hunters who want Han Solo to either pay up or become payment himself. We never see the gangster himself, at least not in the early versions of the films, but his name casts a shadow over the fates of all of our heroes. The threat is far removed from the on screen action, but his presence is felt in the form of Boba Fett: A Bounty Hunter completely without Ruth. If the first two films are any indication, Jabba the Hutt is as frightening a character as The Emperor or Darth Vader and as cunning. Yeah, that guy doesn't show up.
Instead of a formidable opponent and master tactician whose importance to the story line has been foreshadowed by two movies we are given a fat, immobile slug-thing. Not only is he sort of a let down from a design perspective, this entire plot line is tied up and over with after only 20 minutes of movie. After four hours of storytelling that preceded his appearance Jabba only gets to play into the hands of the most ludicrous plan of a half-trained Jedi and then die. He should have been a match for just about anyone we've met so far. He should have been a puppet master manipulating a rouge's gallery of henchmen and foiling our hero at every turn only to be defeated by some masterstroke that no one could have foreseen. The Jabba of Jedi looks like the master of Play-doh and not much else. His henchmen are stupid. His defenses are non-existent and the one cool guy that hangs out with him, Boba Fett, is killed seconds after engaging a blind man in combat.
No, the Jabba angle is abandoned in short order and instead of myriad new worlds to explore and new enemies to face we are given Tattooine (again), Dagobah (again) and The Death Star (again). Oh, and our enemy is still Darth Vader. We do get to meet the Emperor in the form of a heavily made-up Ian McDarmid and that's pretty cool. But he doesn't really do much besides taunt Luke and deliver some juicy lines. We also get to visit the forest moon of Endor which looks a lot like southern California if it were populated entirely by fuzzy-baby-cutie-bears.
Much of the action follows no particular flow. People do things because the writers want them to, not because it makes sense. For example: Chewbacca, a two hundred year old Wookiee, electrician, machinist and pilot suddenly decides that he needs to eat the rotting corpse of a creature he finds in the forest. This justifies a trap that the writers want the heroes to fall into. One of the those heroes is a Jedi Knight, but that doesn't seem to matter as he and the others are undone by a rope net and some stone spears. Also, when our heroes are flying into the Endor system to execute their not-so-secret infiltration of the moon, they fail to notice the massed Imperial fleet that stands between them and the target. Had they noticed, they might have radioed back to their friends that it was all a trap. That or run the hell away themselves. In addition, Luke seems to have forgotten that he and Vader can sense each other over a considerable distance. He only seems to give it some thought as they fly by the command ship containing his murderous father and the thousands of soldiers he controls. Vader, no smarter than anyone else, allows them to land rather than capture them right there. This allows the rebels to hook up with the Ewoks, destroy the shield that protects the Death Star and sell some extra toys.
A word on character development: I'm shoehorning this in with plot so that I don't abandon my format choice. Luke is not a very curious individual in this film. He's keen to leave home and have new adventures in the first film. He's ready to learn all he can about being a Jedi in the second film. But this time around, he just doesn't care anymore. Yoda confirms that Vader is his father and Obi Wan seconds that. Super-good. However, beyond the fact that Anakin Skywalker went all evil and became Darth Vader (I picture him stepping into a phone booth ala Clark Kent becoming Superman), that's all the explanation Luke is given. Does Luke ask how Vader came to be encased in a space suit? No. Does he ask how Vader fell to the Dark Side lest he fall himself? No. Does he ask who his mother is? No, he does not. At this point Luke just wants the movie franchise to be over because he is the stand in for George Lucas. By this time it is clear that the series creator wants nothing more to do with his creation and as such nobody asks any embarrassing questions in the same way that no one ever has to pee. "Go kill Vader," says Obi Wan. "Alright," replies Luke. And so it is that he flies into danger. We as an audience raise our hands to ask those pertinent questions ourselves, but we sit in the dark like a sea of over-eager students who will never be called on.
Production Values: Dude, what happened? The original film set a standard for detail that everyone has been aping ever since. The special effects were groundbreaking and still hold up today, for the most part. The second film was the realization of a dream as a larger budget and more refined effects gave us new vistas and vibrant landscapes on alien worlds. Colors popped, eyes bugged out, and we all learned to love a little puppet named Yoda. Enter Return of the Jedi. The special effects are ok, but everything looks kind of washed out. Nothing has any depth. Jabba's palace is shot from about two angles and it populated almost entirely by people in jumpsuits and Halloween masks. It is exactly what Lucas was trying to avoid with the Cantina scene from A New Hope. Jabba looks fake and rubbery and the original Sy Snoodles (lead singer of the band) hardly moves. Instead she just sort of shuffles sullenly in place while her tiny mouth spasms in time to the music. Something else that struck me is how little of the Death Star we see. Vader lands dramatically at the beginning and the Emperor joins him later in the same hanger. Later we see the Emperor's thrown room which looks like part of an old warehouse. This is the seat of ultimate power in the universe but nothing seems very well built. Kind of a flimsy battle station, if you ask me.
The worst part of the visual style of Jedi is the over-use of backdrops. Big paintings that stand in for actual sets or models. Most egregious is a painting of the Millenium Falcon that hangs in the background during what should be a dramatic scene between Han Solo and Lando. Instead of paying attention to their lines I'm watching a 2D replacement for a special effect. Earlier we watch as Luke and crew retrieve the droids from the sands of Tattooine. The painting that represents the sand dunes of the deep desert looks like it was done by a high school art class for the local production of Aladdin.
Space ships fly at odd angles because the matting process looks hurried, action figures ride speeder bikes, and everything takes on a dull gray tone as though everything happens in the late evening. Not only are the effects and lighting questionable, but the hairdresser even recycled Aunt Beru's haircut and gave it to Luke. That's not my observation, mind you. It's been tossed around a lot, but once you notice it you can't help but smirk whenever Mark Hamill is on screen.
I know that many people worked thousands of man hours making this movie and there are bright spots like the final space battle that really show off the effort. But overall this movie is sloppy compared to its predecessors. Watching this one back to back with Empire leaves one with the feeling that Jedi is the older, grainier movie and Empire is the bold new vision.
Finally, how do the Rebels win? The fact that an entire legion of the Emperor's best men are destroyed by the Ewoks boggles the mind. It boggles it, delivers and flying axe kick the mind's delicate face and the punches the mind in the back of its sensitive mind-knee crumpling the mind like a thing that crumples in an analogy. Why are the Stormtroopers so weak and foolish? In the last film they invaded a heavily armed Rebel base and did so easily. Now they can't fight back against the cutie-wootie bears and their super-advanced armor can't defend them against little twig-like arrows. After the legion is defeated by Care Bears, Han has the great idea of using the Imperial comm-system to announce that the Rebels have been defeated. This results in the bunker lowering all defenses so the Rebels can walk in and blow them up. You see, that's what happens when a heavily fortified military position in hostile territory is returned to Status Quo, they open all the doors and windows. I'm sure something similar happens in the Green Zone of Bagdad every day.
Alright, the shield that protects the Death Star from attack (something they should have had two movies ago) is down for the count. The desperate and badly outnumbered Rebels can now begin their assault on the Death Star and win the day. So, what do we have to work with? The Imperials are represented by many many Star Destroyers and thousands of fighters, plus the Death Star is now operational and able to destroy any target in its path. The Rebels, in a sort of "Knife to a Gunfight" move, show up with about four capital ships and a handful of fighters. One of the capital ships is a Medical Frigate. Yes, they brought their Medical ship into battle. Oh, and the Death Star immediately destroys two of their larger ships. Somehow, with the shield down, Lando and his wing men are able to out-fly every fighter in the sky, descend into the Death Star and detonate its main reactor. The Emperor is dead, the Death Star is destroyed and the all rejoice. Kaloo Kalay, oh fraptious day! The only problem is the Imperial Fleet is still right there.
Why are the Rebels not wiped out by the overwhelming forces of the Empire? Where do all the ships go? If I were commanding even one of those Star Destroyers, I'd just hammer what was left of the Rebel fleet (approximately three medium size ships) and then blast the surface of Endor into ash. Then it would be Miller Time. Instead, the ships all vanish in a puff of forgetfulness. The audience is dazzled by the explosion of the Death Star and the Rebels are all so happy to have killed the Emperor that nobody mentions the fleet again. My theory is that when the Death Star exploded the Star Destroyers got spooked like jumpy horses and lit out for the safety of the Galactic Barn. That or maybe everybody in the Empire was just really sleepy. I don't know how they keep time in space, but I'm sure that it was past their bedtime. They all returned home to sack out and fight again at a more reasonable hour.
So, that's it. It's a train wreck on the order of The Phantom Menace. Nothing makes sense, it doesn't look all that great and the characters are morons. As a child I loved this movie dearly. Now I can't sit through it without exclaiming "Oh, come on!" Okay, I'm ready for my nerdy beat-down.
